Monday, August 23, 2010

Cultural Sensitivity for That Sacred Day in September

The people of the Free World will be commemorating the deaths of nearly three thousand civilians at the hands of jihadis next month. What can Mohamadans do to ensure that they do not unwittingly offend their civilized counterparts during the sacred month of September? In response to the demands of Mohamadans and of their useful idiots for deference to Islamic mandates regarding Ramabomb, I submit this list of equitable responses from them.

-Remove your burkas, nikabs, and all other misogynistic clothing that Islamists demand that every woman wear. We object to women being forced to hide under oppressive outfits because some men erroneously think that they cannot control their libidos.

-Leave your absurd superstitions like fear of sitting toilets and dogs plus your phobia of pork and alcohol in the Islamic bloc when you enter the Free World. We do not like to be told what we are allowed to eat or drink based on others’ delusions.

-Cease quoting from the Koran or any other Islamic texts that encouraged those terrorists to commit mass murder and condones their actions. We know that your supposedly sacred scriptures are full of hateful oppression directed toward us. We resent the threats which your ilk spews in reciting these totalitarian texts.

-Dispense with any absurd and baseless conspiracies that anyone other than nineteen Arab Mohamadans committed these crimes. At least have the decency to admit that your cult wants to kill us.

-Stop the plan to build a monument near Ground Zero to the Islamic terrorists who carried out the hijackings. Such a construction will provoke a formidable backlash against those who wish to gloat over our losses.

I wish a peaceful eleventh of September to all civilized people. Likewise, to all Mohamadans, I hope for your complete failure in all your attempts at violence during the remainder of Ramabomb.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Tough Times for Gaza Residents

I wonder if it is possible to ever find an honest assessment such as this hypothetical report about the Philistines...

Tough Times for Gaza Residents
By Mohamad al-Dhimmi for the Al-Jihad Network

Months of restrictions by Israel on the inflow of goods into Gaza Strip has caused shortages of essential items in high demand among the residents. Tensions have been rising among the local population as they scramble to improvise so as to avoid disruption of their lives. Residents gladly spoke to this reporter in order to vent their frustrations and demand that the rest of the world break the blockade.

One of them, Ahmad Waeef-Beetah, lamented the loss of his prized cane.

"It broke last week as I was hitting my second wife. Since then I have had to use one of my shoes to keep her in accordance with the will of Allah. Can you imagine having to beat your wives with an old sandal? Because of the inhuman blockade, I have to remove my shoes, give them to a wife to clean, beat her with it then hand it back to her for another cleaning. It's barbaric what the Jews are forcing me to resort to," Waeef-Beetah moaned.

He continued, "Yesterday, I was so exhausted after discipling wife number one and number two, I didn't have any strength to deal with my other two wives." At this point, tears began welling up in his eyes as his voice began to escalate, "I had to order number three and number four to beat each other. At first, I felt so ashamed that I couldn't perform my duties proscribed by Allah."
Regaining his composure, a smile crept across his face after he wiped his cheeks, "As I sat in my home watching them smack each other, I felt the presence of Allah comforting me. My shame disappeared as I continued to see them striking one another. Soon, the sight of the blood and their shrieking had made my minaret fully vertical. Praise be to Allah!"

A health-care provider, Aiduh Kuttah, also bitterly complained about the dearth of medical supplies available to her. "The Jews have hurt my livelihood with their blockade. It has been harder to find the right type of tools I use to perform cliterectomies. Parents keep contacting me to cut their daughter's private parts as the Prophet proscribed but all my small razor blades are very dull now. I have tried larger objects which I never heard of before. I found something called a 'steak knife' that infidels use. I have heard the infidels use of these items when they sit, men and women together, in the same room, women's faces shamelessly uncovered, eating at the same time. What an abomination! May Allah forgive me for resorting to using the wicked implements of the infidels for a holy practice."

A youth counselor, Anas T. Kaboom complained about shortages affecting his group's activities for the neighborhood children.

"I have struggled to find enough properly fitting vests for the children. Many of the vests are too small to be correctly loaded. Others lack enough pockets and the pockets are too small to hold enough nails, ball bearings or any other type of small objects. Sometimes, the pockets rip open when we try to pack in a lot of shards of glass or screws," he lamented.
He paused to stop himself from sobbing then resumed, "The children are becoming impatient waiting to martyr themselves. They cry every day when I have to tell them that we don't have enough explosives for everybody. So scuffles break out when they stand in line to gather supplies to make their vests to go to Paradise. I bet the wicked Jews are laughing evilly when they see these wonderful boys and girls being deprived of the chance to go to their eternal reward. I curse Israel for this injustice!" He spat on the ground after completing his statement.

Locals are placing hope in rumors of a flotilla of more cargo ships setting sail from Europe and Turkey. Additionally, huge groups of the faithful engage in mass prayer sessions five times per day in between shopping at the newly opened mega-mall which opened in Gaza in July.